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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  January 11, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PST

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none of that north carolina waxing moon bull [bleeped]. it taints the meat, particularly the taint meat. now, besides, i can already call new hampshire. it was over at midnight when the town of dixville notch, population nine, announced their returns. >> we have a count, and it goes as follows: two votes for jon huntsman and two votes for mitt romney. it's a tie. mitt romney with two, jon huntsman with two. >> stephen: a 2-2 tie. unprecedented. and remember, the winner of the dixville notch has gone on to be the republican nominee in every election since 1960, which must mean that the 2012 republican nominee will be mitt romney and jon huntsman stitched together in a human centi-g-o-pede.
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[laughter and applause] you see, the back candidate is stitched on to the front one's let's say dixville notch. the question is, and it's the only question, who will be the head? the smart must be's on romney. actually, all the money's on romney. in fact, romney's only got one tiny vulnerability, the years he spent as a heartless corporate raider at bain capital extracting millions from troubled companies by taking them over, firing their work forecast and then chopping them up to sell the pieces to the highest bidder with no regard for the lives destroyed. [laughter] but that's all the past. mitt will breeze to the white house as long as he never reminds voters what bain capital did. >> i like being able to fire people that provide services to me. [scratching record noise]
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>> stephen: what? [scratching record noise] glad i had my turntable here. boy, romney really stuck his foot in his mouth with this one, which is the spiciest thing he's eaten in years. and, of course, of course the media and the other candidates have jumped on mitt like newt gingrich on a younger, healthier wife. [applause] jim? >> on a day that's pretty important for the romney campaign, he makes one of the biggest gaffes possible and jokes about how much he enjoys firing people. >> it's a deeper comment about how he thinks. >> it gives the impression that he searchly does not carement >> governor romney enjoys firing people. i enjoy creating jobs. >> huntsmans does have a good track record there. for two years he was ambassador to china, and they've added millions offing jobs. but folks, these attacks are
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unfair. as romney explains. >> things can always be taken out of context, but as you know, i was speaking about insurance companies. >> stephen: yes, mitt was talking about giving individual citizens the right the fire their insurance companies, which would hurt those companies profit, making them vulnerable to takeover. then mitt could enjoy firing those people. in context. and this taking romney's words about insurance out of context is totally different than when romney put out an ad taking obama's words about john mccain out of context last november. that was fair. as romney explained. >> what's sauce for the goose is now sauce for the gander. >> stephen: yes, sauce for the goose is now sauce for the grander. okay. and everyone knows you can't put gander sauce back on the goose. it's all gander-y now. if a chef did that to romney's
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goose, he would fire him. and enjoy it. [laughter] nation, i'm in no position to judge other people. now i am. [laughter] this is "tip of the hat, wag of the finger." [cheering and applause] folks, whoever gets the republican nomination is going to work hard to overturn obama obamacare. now, obviously people are sick out there, so what do we do? luckily republican candidate rick santorum has the right perspective. at a recent campaign stop, santorum was asked how he feels about the "50,000 americans who die every year with no health care." well, rick looked deep inside and said, "i reject that number completely, that people die in america because of lack of health insurance. people die in america because people die in america." you can't argue with that logic
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because you can't argue with that logic. but clearly, folks, there is still a problem with all these people dying. which is why i'm issuing a wag of my finger at dead people. [laughter] for disrespecting the sanctity of life by choosing to be dead. hey, i got nothing against dead people. i come from a long line of dead people. hell, some of my best friends are dead. but when it comes to health, the dead need to take some personal responsibility. as santorum continued, people make poor decisions with respect to their health and their health care, and they don't go to the emergency room or they don't go to the doctor when they need to. yet if you're dying of cancer, it's your own fault for not going to the doctor, and if you can't go to the doctor because you don't have insurance, then it's your own fault for not having a job. and if you don't have a job because you're dying of cancer, get yourself to a doctor. what is wrong with you?
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other... [cheering and applause] other than the cancer obviously. [laughter] we have a serious health care problem in this country, folks, and dead people are not making it any better by burying their heads and the rest of them in the sand. i say these so-called sick people dying just a way to get us to want obamacare. it's all a conspiracy. why do you think they call them "cemetery plots"? finally, folks, i have had it up to here with our overly sensitive, prime minister c. culture, and but up to here i mean the average height of a guatemalan. [laughter] about right. yeah. that's why i was so angry when i heard this: >> papa john's pizzeria in new
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york fired the cashier over this racist receipt. if you look closely, you can actually see how an asian american customer is identified as "lady chinky eyes." >> stephen: really? they fired the cashier for that? [laughter] yes, she called her "chinky eye," but lady chinky eyes. that's a sign of respect in the orient. all papa johns was trying to do was make sure the pizza got to the right customer. if they hadn't putten lady chinky eye, it might have ended up in the hands of countess total lesbo or admiral spic butt. i'm giving a big tip of my hat to papa john's for putting service before sensitivity. calling her lady chinky eyes is no more culturally insensitive than calling papa john's italian
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food. [cheering and applause] besides... that was good. that was good. besides, miss chinky eyes was asking for it. just look at her real name, minhee cho. "minhee," really? you're telling me that's not playing into the stereotype that asian people are tiny? i mean, they're small, but they're not guatemalan. we'll be right back. >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody. thank you very much. nation, thank you so much. folks, nation, more on new hampshire in a moment, but first, we turn to the scandal engulfing the obama white house, a new book ominously called "the obamas." it has revealed a shocking secret from 2009 the president does not want you to know about. >> new controversy over an "alice in wonderland"-themed halloween party at 1600 pennsylvania avenue. >> johnny depp was standing at a table at this party greeting guests dress as the mad hatter. >> they're having "alice in wonderland" parties o when the unemployment rate is 9.9% in the
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country. >> this big, decedent, hollywoodesque-type henry viii bash. >> apparently the people at the party were drinking punch out of blood viles. >> it was so exextravagant gantt that guests drank fruit punch from blood viles. >> stephen: this party was so extravagant that managed to anger not one but two doocys. tweedle dee and tweedle dooce. [applause] but why? why, folks? i ask you, why are these obscene details coming to light only now? >> the white house went out of the way to cover this up, to keep this quiet. >> they covered it all up because of the perception that it looked like they were having a good old time at taxpayers' expense. >> here we are with what's a minicofferup, if you will, so to speak. >> yes, an old-fashioned hush job, if you were, so to speak and as you were.
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and this malice in blunderland continues to deafen. oh, oh. [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. trademark. oh. and did white house spokesman eric schultz crank up the spin machine, saying, "if we wanted this event to be secret, we probably wouldn't have invited the press corpses to cover it, release photos on flickr and release video on the white house web site. well, that's just hiding in plain sight. that's the oldest trick in the book. of course, all of this begs the obvious question. >> if we didn't know about this, what else is going on in there that we don't know about? >> that's a legitimate question. >> stephen: yes, it is. and, folks, i have heard disturbing rumors that every year they hold a pagan druidic tree-lighting ceremony, and last year it was hosted by a translewis -- translewis nt fire
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giant. dangerous man. but, folks, one detail of this halloween party that has angered me even more than the fact it was held for the childrenf our military is the fact that the original chewbacca mingled with invited guests. what the hell is chewie doing in wonderland? chewbacca, chewbacca would never sip tea or play croquet using flamingos as mallets. that is so not canaan. he is a ferocious wookiee smuggler who travels the galaxy, never leaving han solo's side for the life debt when han refused to kill chewie at imperial command. i would love to see the queen of hearts try to execution chewbacca with one snap of those mighty paws. it would be off with her head.
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[cheering and applause] plus, plus... plus when would he find time to leave his home world of kashyyyk. to join the mad hadder at the white house. he doesn't even celebrate halloween. he celebrates life day with his father itchy, his wife malla and his son lumpy. everybody knows that. no matter how much george lucas wants us to forget 1978's "the star wars holiday special. " so these people know that. [cheering and applause] [record scratches pawrns always there. so... if any obama voters are still clinging to their support of this man, consider this: your president used his hollywood connections to throw a halloween party for our troops' kids and
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then told us about it. and if that being a scandal doesn't make sense to you, let me put it in more understandable words: 'twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. all mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome ba
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everybody. folks, my guest tonight has a new interview show called "moyers and company." i hope that means he's interviewing corporations. please welcome bill moyers. [cheering and applause] mr. moyers, thanks so much for coming on. i've always wanted to meet you. >> same here. >> stephen: thank you very much. well, i have enjoyed your work ever since the joseph campbell interviews you did. >> 25 years ago. >> stephen: 25 years ago. that's how i found out they was the hero with 1,000 faces.
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now, sir, we've got the pleasantries out of the way. it's hammer time. all right. >> hammer away. >> stephen: you are often considered like the reasonable man's reasonable man. [laughter] >> somebody has to do it. >> stephen: right. you keep a calm voice. you never attack the guests on your shows. [laughter] and i'm here to call bull [bleeped]. okay. it's all an act. you sandbag and shift people with calmness and facts. how is that any better than what i do? >> you're from the south. you must know the difference between a hoot owl and a scrooch owl. the hoot owl crashes into the hen house, knocks the hen off the perch, catches it. the scooch owl comes in quietly, gemmily, snuggles up next to the hen, starts talking gently to the hen. the next thing you know, there ain't no hen.
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i prefer that. [cheering and applause] >> stephen: i would like the see you and dan rather in a folksy-off. i think you might be able to take him. you used to have a show call "bill moyers journal" first in the '70s and then from 2007 to 2010. then you had "now with bill moyers." you were a special assistant to president johnson, including two years as the white house press secretary. when you were press secretary, did you at any moment withhold information from the white house peace corpses or did st. moyers always go with the truth? >> i used to hold information from the president. that's much more dangerous. >> stephen: really? you're the reason vietnam failed. you would just told him it was a quagmire, i'm sure johnson would have pulled him out. >> our credibility was is bad we
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couldn't believe our own leaks. [laughter] >> stephen: i like the owl one better. okay. so now you have a new show called "moyers and company." >> right. >> stephen: what is the new show? >> it's a look at america through the experiences of a lot of people who don't make it on most television shows, for example, "this this week i havee sherlock holmes and dr. watson of political science, jacob packer of yale and paul pierce talking about how washington served the rich in the last 30 years and turned its back on the middle class. >> stephen: wait, wait, wait. don't you mean the creative class? you mean they have served the job creators of this country, or don't you believe that we need capitalism to create jobs? >> absolutely do, but capitalism is out of control thanks in no small part to citizens united, the supreme court decision that said that a corporation is a
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person, even though i doesn't eat, drink, make love, sing, raise children or take care of aging parents. you cannot have a people's democracy as long as corporations are considered people. they're just private institutions. >> stephen: do you understand... do you understand... [cheering and applause] excuse me. give me time to nail him first. [laughter] you understand that you sound like a racist. that southern accent is not helping you. okay. you're saying that some people, because corporations have been people since 1886, santa clara, southern pacific railroad. am i going too fast for you, dad. and you're saying that some people just aren't people in the eyes of bill moyers? >> that's right. that's right. >> stephen: oh, yeah, sure. let me ask you, do any of these "not people" fund your show, bill? >> one of them who is full of good people funds my show. mutual of america has been my
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sole corporate funder for 25 years. >> stephen: you're biting that hand that funds you. >> they don't seem to complain. >> stephen: let's talk about where politics is going in the united states. you say corporations have undue influence over our government, true? >> true. >> they tone government. >> stephen: they don't own the government. they just express their opinion through the speech that is cash. [laughter] okay. again, that's another part of the citizens united ruling. money equals speech. i've got some great news for corporations' right to speak because we just got this in. mitt romney has won the new hampshire primary. 35.6%. mitt romney famously said this summer, "corporations are people," my friend. >> a friend of mine in texas said he will believe corporations are people when texas executes one. [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: so you're racist and blood thirsty. bill, thank you so much for joining us. [cheering and applause] bill moyers. "moyers and company." check your local listings on public television. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
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>> stephen: that's it for "thecy comedy central captioned by mea access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. [knock on door] - hey, jack. - lemon, i was in beijing this weekend, buying a reality show format where criminals try to dance their way to freedom. - jien-yu pi-li-wu, sure. - i also bought this. a chinese knockoff of your book. - what? "dealbreaker: the book for you man no good, by lesbian-yellow-sourfruit." - so, uh, what do you need from me? - ah, well, our new cast member starts today. - oh, of course, the robot. i liked him. - we don't know anything about him.
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i don't think his real name is partybot. i don't know what he looks like. i don't know what he talks like. i certainly don't know if he can act. - lemon, what did you once say to me about acting? - just hit your marks, stay in your light, and do the same thing every take for continuity. - see? anyone can do it. [knocking] - miss lemon, security called. our new actor just checked in. he'll be on six in a couple minutes. - let's go introduce ourselves. - this is so exciting. maybe we should practice the welcome song i distributed. [falsetto] ♪ makin' a new friend ♪ sure ain't easy ♪ and that's how two become one ♪ - lemon, do you have any plans for dinner tonight? - i do, i bought an activia microwavable panini. - good god, have dinner with me. - just the two of us? - yes. - okay. - hey, jackie d. i hope the new dude isn't impossible to work with, like some people i know. - i hope he's educated. - i hope he hates toofer. - i hope he likes janitor hugs. [door opens] - somebody's coming. [all gasp] - oh, no. is that the new guy? - what? no, it's me, lutz. i've worked here for three years.

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